Surviving and Thriving in Toxic Relationships

Beautiful Beginnings

In the beginning, you believed you found the perfect relationship, you found THE ONE. You shared the same ideas, the same hopes and dreams, the same vulnerabilities. Your partner complimented you endlessly, saying they couldn’t believe how LUCKY they were, and they can’t EVEN remember the last time they were this happy. You felt like you were SOUL MATES.

What happened to that?

But you soon noticed your partner COMPARING you to their ex, how you were so different from them, better than them, more understanding than them. You didn’t question their intentions, you just did your best to NOT be like their ex, to keep your relationship with them PERFECT.

As time went by, you noticed your partner SAY some things to you that didn’t seem quite right. Little things happened that felt just a bit OFF, and if you said something about it, your partner reassured you that they were JUST JOKING, or that you were being too SENSITIVE.

Bit by bit, those little things got bigger and bigger. Maybe you were humiliated in front of friends and family by your partner, yet you continually excused their behavior. You found yourself bending over backwards to please them, yet they continually let you down. They wanted to spend time with you when it benefited them, yet when you needed them, they were nowhere to be found. They wanted to talk about their problems for hours, yet your problems were inconsequential. You said and did special things for them, yet your efforts went unappreciated or undervalued. They were unable to take responsibility for their behavior and talking with them only made things worse. More often than not, you felt BAD after hanging out with them instead of feeling GOOD.

You often wonder if this is just a rough patch in your relationship or if there is something wrong on a deeper level, like maybe this is a TOXIC relationship, an emotionally abusive relationship.

You analyze every conversation, every argument, every interaction you have with your partner, trying to see where you went wrong, because YOU ended up apologizing, but looking back, you only see where you had a valid point to get across.

Any expertly spoken, tactful complaint you have about their obviously offensive behavior upsets them so completely, that YOU end up apologizing for hurting THEIR feelings, usually multiple times before they finally decide that you are forgiven. And then, they continue on with their hurtful words, their snide comments, their abhorrent behavior as if nothing ever happened.

You’ve been on this rollercoaster for a while now, maybe just a few months, and maybe it’s been years. You fight, you make up. You break up and get back together, with feelings even STRONGER than before, each time thinking that perhaps your partner has changed and matured this time around. You have amazing and wonderful times together, and then a switch flips. They become a monster you don’t recognize, leaving you reeling, with your head spinning, feeling like YOU are the problem, and everything is YOUR fault. You aren’t overly sensitive, and you don’t particularly like to argue with other people, but you’ve been questioning yourself because your partner tells you over and over that YOU like to pick fights and they’re just trying to get along with YOU.

What now?

So, now you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time. Anything you say might set them off. You don’t want to bring up ANY problem, especially if it involves your partner, because you have no idea how they will react. They could throw a fit of rage at you, they could dismissively patronize you, or they could not speak to you for days.

By this time, you think that rollercoasters must be normal, everyone must be playing mind games. You ask your friends and family for advice and they tell you that you’re just being too sensitive or that you just need to give your partner more attention. But deep down inside your gut, you know there’s more to it than just that.

You feel like you’re going crazy. You can’t even be yourself without feeling like you’re going to get in trouble. You’ve had enough of the sleepless nights, the emotional pain, the stinging tears, the heaviness with every breath you take, the slicing of your heart and soul, and the constant anxiety coursing through your veins.

You want to find yourself again. You want to have that confidence in your ability to trust yourself. You’ve been suffering through the napalm of a toxic relationship and you need HOPE. You want to have a conversation with someone who knows so deeply the details of your hurt and your broken heart…someone who’s been there and made their way out.

I can help.

Psychological abuse does not leave broken bones and bruises in its wake. This hidden abuse is insidious and puzzling, leaving a trail of people behind, shells of their former selves, searching for their self-worth, their scattered emotions, and their stable lives. Psychological abusers come in all forms: boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, parents, children, siblings, in-laws, friends, bosses, co-workers, religious leaders, mentors, etc., etc. They believe that the world revolves around them. They gain their power and find entertainment in destroying an originally happy and healthy person.

I offer you space to tell your story, but I also help you see that you aren’t crazy, that you are a strong, capable individual with the courage to put yourself back together after you have been torn apart, that you are a SURVIVOR, a THRIVER. You weren’t targeted because you were weak, they sought you out because you are STRONG. We’ll talk about your struggle, but you will also learn to recognize the signs of psychological abuse and toxic relationships. You will learn about your strengths and how to use them to your advantage in navigating future relationships. Helping you understand how toxic people operate can open your eyes to the red flags they wave. I help you focus on finding yourself again, learning to trust yourself again, and on taking your power back.

Are you ready to THRIVE?

Schedule a consultation and we can get started.

 Codependency / People Pleaser

 early on…

You were taught at a very early age to put others’ needs and wants before yours, that it’s the RIGHT thing and the KIND thing to do.

Over the years, it’s become habit, or maybe it’s an addiction. You bend over backwards trying to please everyone, even if it takes away from YOUR time and resources.

What you want, feel, and need is below everything and everyone else. With every relationship – intimate, family, friendship, co-worker, etc. – you go ABOVE AND BEYOND. You rearrange your schedule, you do things you don’t want to do, you show up when no one else does, and you resent every minute of it. You feel CONSTANTLY taken advantage of.

You have a problem saying that one little word – “NO” – to people, situations, requests, begging you for your help, your time, your money.

You have a list of crippling rules that you need to follow that make you so tense and anxious:

• You should always be entertaining and witty in conversations with others!

• You should always keep talking with this person even though you don’t want to, otherwise you would crush them!

• You should always show interest and smile a lot during conversations so as not to hurt anyone when you talk to them!

You avoid conflicts at all costs because you are scared of making someone angry and the aftermath of that anger. You think that conflict will lead to others not liking you and that would be DEVASTATING.

In your head, you think you HAVE to be THAT person. You don’t want to appear selfish to anyone, you just want everyone to see that you are a GOOD person. You worry that if you don’t do everything you could to make them happy, they might leave you or stop caring for you. Or what happens if you make a mistake? How many people will you disappoint? How will you be punished? This often leaves you so ANGRY AT YOURSELF for failing to please everyone you meet.

And when you aren’t of “use,” you are thrown away like a broken toy until someone needs you again.  

So, you suck it up and push down all the uncomfortable feelings.

The result?

You attract sooo many people who continue to take advantage of you and continue to put your needs last. You are a skilled people pleaser and master accommodator, feeling trapped in your own life.

And you CAN’T take it anymore. It’s become too hard to be the person who carries everyone else’s problems. It’s become too hard to sacrifice your emotions in place of someone else’s. It’s become too hard to be everything to everyone all the time. You have PTSD-like trauma from emotional abusers over the years and you are unable to articulate why you are struggling in life so much. You’re drowning in the anxiety that comes from going crazy trying to live up to YOUR perceived expectations that others have of you.

You carry around bitterness and resentment because you are burned out trying to keep everyone else happy at your own expense. Letting others run over you is not healthy for you or the other people in your life.

As an empathetic person, it is very easy to over-extend yourself for others. They often see this as a prime opportunity to take advantage of your giving nature. But you only end up hurting yourself and those around you because you are making yourself UNHAPPY trying to make everyone else happy.

The constant validation from others makes you feel needed and useful. But relying on validation from others means your confidence and self-worth is based on EXTERNAL factors or forces. I want you to rely on INTERNAL validation. I want you to learn how to please yourself first, because you are just as important as everyone else. I want to help you learn how to build up what makes YOU feel good.

I can help you find your voice so you can begin to set boundaries with others and stand up for yourself. I can help you begin to take control of your life so you can live the life you want to live.

If you don’t stand up for you, NO ONE ELSE WILL.

Do you want to make a change? Schedule a consultation.