Codependency / People Pleaser
early on…
You were taught at a very early age to put others’ needs and wants before yours, that it’s the RIGHT thing and the KIND thing to do.
Over the years, it’s become habit, or maybe it’s an addiction. You bend over backwards trying to please everyone, even if it takes away from YOUR time and resources.
What you want, feel, and need is below everything and everyone else. With every relationship – intimate, family, friendship, co-worker, etc. – you go ABOVE AND BEYOND. You rearrange your schedule, you do things you don’t want to do, you show up when no one else does, and you resent every minute of it. You feel CONSTANTLY taken advantage of.
You have a problem saying that one little word – “NO” – to people, situations, requests, begging you for your help, your time, your money.
You have a list of crippling rules that you need to follow that make you so tense and anxious:
You should always be entertaining and witty in conversations with others!
You should always keep talking with this person even though you don’t want to, otherwise you would crush them!
You should always show interest and smile a lot during conversations so as not to hurt anyone when you talk to them!
You avoid conflicts at all costs because you are scared of making someone angry and the aftermath of that anger. You think that conflict will lead to others not liking you and that would be DEVASTATING.
In your head, you think you HAVE to be THAT person. You don’t want to appear selfish to anyone, you just want everyone to see that you are a GOOD person. You worry that if you don’t do everything you could to make them happy, they might leave you or stop caring for you. Or what happens if you make a mistake? How many people will you disappoint? How will you be punished? This often leaves you so ANGRY AT YOURSELF for failing to please everyone you meet.
And when you aren’t of “use,” you are thrown away like a broken toy until someone needs you again.
So, you suck it up and push down all the uncomfortable feelings.
The result?
You attract sooo many people who continue to take advantage of you and continue to put your needs last. You are a skilled people pleaser and master accommodator, feeling trapped in your own life.
And you CAN’T take it anymore. It’s become too hard to be the person who carries everyone else’s problems. It’s become too hard to sacrifice your emotions in place of someone else’s. It’s become too hard to be everything to everyone all the time. You have PTSD-like trauma from emotional abusers over the years and you are unable to articulate why you are struggling in life so much. You’re drowning in the anxiety that comes from going crazy trying to live up to YOUR perceived expectations that others have of you.
You carry around bitterness and resentment because you are burned out trying to keep everyone else happy at your own expense. Letting others run over you is not healthy for you or the other people in your life.
As an empathetic person, it is very easy to over-extend yourself for others. They often see this as a prime opportunity to take advantage of your giving nature. But you only end up hurting yourself and those around you because you are making yourself UNHAPPY trying to make everyone else happy.
The constant validation from others makes you feel needed and useful. But relying on validation from others means your confidence and self-worth is based on EXTERNAL factors or forces. I want you to rely on INTERNAL validation. I want you to learn how to please yourself first, because you are just as important as everyone else. I want to help you learn how to build up what makes YOU feel good.
I can help you find your voice so you can begin to set boundaries with others and stand up for yourself. I can help you begin to take control of your life so you can live the life you want to live.
If you don’t stand up for you, NO ONE ELSE WILL.
Do you want to make a change? Schedule a consultation.